Chapter 1 (sneak peek)

Her eyes lingered in the distance. Behind the bungalow, a jewel-blue stream like the subtle sweep of a painter’s old brush, sprung over the limestone pebbles in its way. It curved gently across the alley towards the foggy woods. Streams are the liquid soul of the forest and this one in particular was flickering like glitter on the surface. A distant babble was emanating from it, like the unchanging rumble of a drum roll. It was an awe-inspiring sight, but neither this nor the load of ice crystals flowing along the stream could make her come back to that reality. The sunrise came as if it had missed the sky and wanted nothing more than to warm up those blues to a radiant gold. She thought for a second that it’s not often one gets to see a sunrise-gold beach. That was the privilege she got when Amir made his intentions clear to her while they were both gazing out at the idle sea. 'In the name of Allah, the most Merciful, the most Gracious, I intend to make you the happiest woman on earth. God willing, we’ll unite our hearts by next April' , Amir’s voice echoed in her ears and made her entire body shake. Cap Carbon lay beneath their feet at the top of Bejaia city. It offered the greatest view of the entire region. The cliff they stood on seemed as old as the first prophets that had ever walked the earth and from that height they could see a fracture of white sand, a gash of zephyr-haunted smaller cliffs and a wide slash of bay. She truly felt serenity when she faintly mouthed Insha’Allah. She’d cherish that moment forever and even picked up a neat round pebble from the beach to always remind her of that moment. She scribbled on it both their names and made a promise to take it with her everywhere she went. Lately, every time she'd look at it, a morbid feeling would surround her. It made her contemplate the way people are capable to grow strong enough to whisper at the iron bars that keep them prisoners of their own guilt and somehow still manage to bend themselves out of their way, like the craziest magic trick. She thought that’s what love can do: fix brains, fix souls, cure everything. You can act like there is no cage, wear a mask of coping. You can rage against the bars or sit and call for help. But it’s hard when you’ve been starving for so long and you don’t even know what the thing you’re starving for even is. Pity? Acceptance? For a second, she understood why some go cold inside only to escape the pain of isolation. She had let herself go that road before, in her ignorance period or the way she preferred to call it, before my rebirth era. She glanced one more time at the pebble. This time she was holding it so tight that her palm took its round smooth shape. Suddenly, an uncontrollable chain of reactions formed in her entire body. A bubble of air forming in her chest. The heart starts to race. A stubborn lump comes all the way up and installs itself in her throat. She knew that once the process was triggered, it would be pretty hard to close the floodgates. So, she allowed herself to taste the salty tears and faintly mouthed to herself 'Wama bikum min ni’matin famin Allah, thumma idha massakumu l-duru fa-ilayhi tajarun and again repeated…And whatever blessings you have are from Allah, then whenever hardship touches you, to Him alone you cry for help'. She kept repeating this and let herself in the hands of her Creator.

From the blossomed clouds water-petals burst into the fresh spring air and gently kissed the earth. The garden looked a shade brighter in the rain. Or was it that way because of her crystal clear tears? She didn’t care nor did she move an inch. Standing still she thought of this miracle of nature. It was as if the gift of the skies was washing the entire world only to reveal what was there all along, nature in her humble brilliance. Subhan Allah! Glory to God!

She whispered to herself in one exhausted breath 'I just need to switch to offline mode for a second and then everything will be okay'. And that second would normally swiftly turn into hours where she’d just zone out and stop taking in or processing anything else. Some say the mind wanders and you daydream, but the real reason she needed to do this was to take a long pause from any conscious thought. She was tired. You know that certain level of tiredness that equates almost to insanity? For her it was when she’d temporarily dislocate her spirit from her body, for just a short while, let her soul go wherever souls go to be at peace.

So, when those moments happened, Alisa tried to enjoy the off-line state for as long as possible. She always felt it gave her a good chance to be in a meditative state. At the very least, she found it a very refreshing and welcoming respite from the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings that occupied her waking brain. […]